A House is not a Home

I think of a house being a place where people coexist and live consecutively. A home is a place of love, peace and a special safe haven where people find comfort. For some a home is not a specific space where family maybe present or even a building but I believe its a place connected deeply within the heart.

 Home (n): a dwelling place together with the family; an environment offering security and happiness.

Looking up definitions and references, I found that home is the place where life simply begins; something you’d love to come back to. However throughout my life I’ve learned that that is not often the case .. especially in some households next door.

I grew up in a home I think most would appreciate. I had both parents in my life and a father who took care of my every need. I was surrounded by compassion, love, support, trust and was held on a high pedestal. I was continuously told things such as “I’m so proud of you”, “Don’t settle for good aim for great” and “I love you!” numerous times. I even had room to discuss matters of the heart, matters of pain or even moments where I needed clarity. All I had to do was walk into my parents room and express myself, respectfully of course. I had the soil, the foundation and the room to grow and prosper into who I want to be and do what I dreamed of because I was loved, supported and prayed for.

However,

My reality of what a home should be crashed when I found out a friend of mine couldn’t even be comfortable in hers, where her parents felt providing food and shelter was simply enough. My dreams of what home looked like was altered when I realized that on the outside the family could be ideal but behind closed doors a place of hell; where she was disrespected by her father daily & molested by her grandfather as a young girl. My dreams of what home is for everyone on this earth burned down when my friend told me she was never hugged or told “I love you”, never had heart felt conversations, and was never told that she made them proud. My fantasy of a good family home was tarnished when so many people ran out their front door to never want to return. 

HOME. 

Something to me that meant the world. A place to me that taught me so much about life and myself was a place people were afraid of. Hated. Now don’t get me wrong EVERYONE’S HOME IS NOT HORRIBLE. To a lot of people, home is just as magical for them as mine was to me whether it was a two parent one or not but I want to shine a light on those who have been hiding their pain in the dark. Those who have no voice to display how their house was not a home for them but a place of pain and how some homes taught certain skills that they had to unlearn not just for the sake of their sanity but to survive in the world we live in.

I believe the home is the initial stepping ground that teaches many mechanisms: communication, love, trust, support, problem solving, financial independence, growth etc. Certain factors were never taught within the home or are barely mentioned in the black home thus leading to a destructive, half groomed individual just living to survive. I believe it all starts there and if the home itself is not sufficient then the child is just destined to have to figure it out on their own and most of the time through bad experiences. Take these examples: Households where children want to discuss certain things with parents but they are told to “man up, stop crying, shut up and it’s not that serious” thus leading to a negative view of communication and a lack of understanding the importance. Households where he/she saw and listened to his/her mother get beaten or where his/her father wasn’t there creating the vow that that will never happen in their future relationships or with their children. Unbeknownst to him, he grows up to spread abuse by not the fists that his father used but his words (same story different mechanism) or he is physically there for his children but his mind is elsewhere. Where she vows to never let a man beat her but doesn’t see that verbal and emotional abuse is the SAME. EXACT. THING.

People learn how to cope, how to handle or how to deal with certain things based off of the interactions at home. This place of magic has the ability to spring people into bright futures as loving human beings OR can grow a fungus of pain and anger that flourishes like a brush fire; burning everything in sight and taking forever to extinguish when and only if the true start of it is found.

For the life of me I could not understand why certain friends acted certain ways, viewed  certain factors in life in a hostile manner or didn’t respond in the way that I thought they should. I had to learn that everything isn’t all fairy dust and roses as I imagined and that life hits some people hard at an early age. I want family and the home to mean something to so many people but I’ve grown to be more understanding of a harsher reality.

People cannot give you what they were never given or taught

How can you expect people to love, support and pray for you when they were never taught to? How can you expect someone to know what healthy communication is when they’ve never seen it or even had a voice? I truly believe that people cannot exemplify certain things we want in relationship if they were never taught or given that growing up. Identifying our foundations and owning that we simply don’t know will go a long way.

It is not your fault that you weren’t taught what some deem common sense and I apologize on behalf of people like me for our ignorance and lack of sympathy for your story. No matter the age, you can take your life back and be better, do better and truly vow to be nothing like the environment you were once in. You have a unique opportunity to be different, how to soar past the negative expectations people placed on you and simply blossom. You can learn to communicate, listen, heal, be honest and love but only if you have the power and will to do so.

I commend you for your truth. I commend you for wanting a different future than the one people projected onto you. I commend you for pushing forward through the pain, the discomfort, the anger, the frustration, through it all. Don’t allow this to be all you can be and consume the magic within you. Don’t let this fuel you into destruction but into excellence. Be great Queen/King. Be strong but be patient with your growth and forgive those around you who may not know how to walk in your shoes or how to handle the value in your testimony. You have the power to be better than any of your previous circumstances but the question is how bad do you want it and are you ready?

Was there ever a time where you realized there were certain things that you were never taught? Has there been anything important to you now that didn’t seem important growing up? Let’s talk!

Until next time