Tru

As you read today’s truth, I ask that you welcome it with understanding and grace. Let me, finally speaking up and out for myself, be a moment where you choose to do the same. 

As we mature, whether physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually, there are parts of us that we shed, we revamp, we strengthen or that we add. Within my Millennial experience, I believed that I found a healthy way to go about living this life. I was under the impression that I had a balance. Of course, I still did not know how to manage my needs in accordance or above the needs of others but I truly believed that if I stayed above water and found new ways to swim through old problems, I could make it. I believed I always would.

Well baby let me tell you. Just because you find a new way to make an old problem look good does not mean that the problem itself will go away. Just as animals adapt to different environments, the problems that we try so hard to camoflauge will soon flourish under new identities.

I believed that if I told people to ask before they dumped their problems on me, that I would find a way to balance their pains and my current thoughts. WRONG. It was just a new way to prolong my alone time to keep fitting other humans into my schedule.

I assumed that if I wrote down my fears, past defeats and even was transparent in my truths, that the residue of pain would ultimately heal itself. WRONG AGAIN. I gave room for outside opinions, thoughts and assumptions to cloud my already congested mind leaving me more damaged and confused than I already was.

I gave new life, new space and fresh air to old, closeted issues and wondered why in the world was life showing me stuff I assumed I threw away. I didn’t realize I needed to rid my soul of excess waste to prosper. I kept up this facade that I could deal, fix and keep moving, and boy did I make it all look good. 

“When you’re soaked in tears for years, it never airs out
When you make pain look this good it never wears out” – Kelly Rowland 

I had to ask myself: Is the foundation of fear centered on the world FINALLY seeing the truth or is it stemmed on YOU finally seeing the truth that you thought would eventually go away?

For me, the fear stems from the possibility of witnessing the me that I tried so hard to scrub out of that mirror image. I don’t know what life is like without carrying both physical and mental pains. Unfortunately, the time is up. Mine and the skeletons of those I love have bust out of the closet. I simply cannot hide behind the mask anymore. 

Empaths are gifted chameleons with the power to transform and shape-shift in an instant to better accommodate whatever situation they might find themselves in .. What I wouldn’t learn until much later is that by being a chameleon, I wasn’t actually letting anyone get to know the real me. I wasn’t allowing myself to be seen in the way I deeply desired and therefore I wasn’t actually open to intimacy or connection in the ways I sought – I was essentially keeping the very thing I wanted out of my reach” – Excerpt from “The Empath Experience”

We’re consistently in this thought process of “finding” ourselves, an encounter I even assumed I was on however I’ve realized our authentic self was never lost to begin with. We just simply made choices that hindered our authentic selves from flourishing. We needed to provide it with a safe space. We constantly suppress and then wonder why it never had the courage to spring out. We didn’t make an environment conducive to hold her without restraining her power, magnitude and magic.

I came to the awareness that as humans, we’re never taught to sit (in a healthy fashion) and embrace our emotions with open arms. We’re taught to acknowledge it and keep it moving; we can’t stay there. Unpopular opinion: We’re always uplifted and motivated out of emotions but never seeing the experience for what it really is: an opportunity to shed or grow. Weirdly enough, I believe that our body and our heart wants to FEEL our emotions. Not in the simplistic fashion of a physical experience nor am i referring to the deep painful residue of a traumatic experience. I believe it’s those moments of rawness, vulnerability, lesson learning and optimal freedom or passion that we crave but rob ourselves of 

Every. Single. Day. 

I’ve had the tendency to refute the desire to “vent” sometimes because I aimed to sit and dwell within my emotions. To feel them in the present moment because I’m always moving onto the next .. HA or so I thought. My mind will literally dwell on 7 different fears/factors/responsibilities/memories/moments .. so much to where I miss out on the zest of now. I walked around like I faced the facts when I too, dismissed and diminished my own feelings. I would let my emotions rise to the surface, allow them to spill out like lava for all of 5 minutes then let my environment wipe it all up like a Bounty Quicker Picker-Upper paper towel .. just so someone else can pour their lava onto an already active volcano. 

I’m not okay.

I honestly haven’t been okay for awhile now.

I have a tendency to not disclose my circumstances, mindsets or experiences due to just never wanting to display the “under construction sign”. My inner man would bandage, conceal or “quick fix” some personal issues so I could be fresh for the needy one’s coming, looking for the comfort and serenity that was always provided. I’d rather fix myself, help myself, cater to myself. Unload, debunk, withdraw and rearrange on my own time to not take away from the time I could have someone in dire need. Though I may have had the vocabulary to speak for the masses, I never went past hooked on phonics to learn the dialect that would tell the inner workings of my heart. To tell the story of a young woman. A constant ray of sunshine in the midst of those who would pick on, prude on and blow away. The story of a girl whose gift to give, share and love, unapologetically, would unfortunately turn into a need for social acceptance and birth the skill to shape-shift.

If you’re always open for business, when will there ever be a time for reshelving, redesigning and just stillness?

All my life, I wanted everyone to wake up and notice me. Turn around and see what goodness I had to offer. What I never stopped to think about was: when people finally notice me, what would they be looking at? What would the picture hold/show? I NEVER saw me. I didn’t care to because I always felt like social acceptance was bigger than anything. In the moments that people needed a shoulder, I thought, BOOM there goes purpose. The giver. The “healer”. The ear. The laughter. The one who would show up for those because no one showed up for her. I thought I knew me. I camouflaged for so long just so that no one could have a distaste with me that I didn’t even know what I truly brought to the table. Changing, modifying, converting to what was happening so I could gain recognition that would internally equate to some sense of authenticity.

Cause popularity equals validation right?

I’m full.

Not in the essence of “my cup runneth over” but I am exceeding capacity, busting out of the seams and filled to the brim of emotions, circumstances, secrets, fears, disappointments and problems. 

My soul has reached its breaking point and is crying out to the Master to be free. Freedom that was already provided to her when He died on the cross but was thrown down and buried because she chose to carry the burdens, pains and moanless groans of those who felt she was strong enough to carry it. A job never required for her to do.  For a long time I thought I was just fine. I adopted a new thesaurus that included “not right now” or “I need a minute” but the damage had already been done. 

I’ve wanted to write so many things for you all. I constantly share my inner thoughts and deepest personal conversations and unfortunately that has to end. So The Guided Millennial will be on a hiatus. A spiritual tent will be upon all accounts as I aim to debunk it all from my being. I have been carrying personal guilt, familial pains, social secrets, individual truths, trauma’s of those I love and the after-affects of experiences that were never mine to begin with. Pain’s from life’s most recent events to the one’s as far back as 2009 have become so dire that they are starting to affect me physically. God has not only spoken to me but my spiritual partner and requested that I allow my soul to receive some much needed maintenance. 

I can no longer act like I’m okay. I can no longer pour out of an empty container. I cannot fake the funk of shedding, revamping and altering. That is doing a disservice to not only myself but to all of you who trust me with your thoughts.

“I’m just doing everything that I can. ‘Cause all I want to be is true” – Llyod  

I’m unsure of how long this will be and fear not, she will never fully go away. The Guided Millennial is here to stay and I promise I will be back. She just needed to remember that in order to be the best millennial she could be, she could not do it alone. She made a promise .. to be guided until the day she leaves this earth. She let the hand of her Master go, assuming that she needed to keep moving when He only asked her to trust His lead. I have to surrender.

I was made for this. The old me would be proud of the present me, for finally being the one to choose me. The future me would dedicate a special place in her heart for the old me that cared for self, the present me that finally chose self, so that the future me could actually embody self. To faithfully exude love, humbleness and excellence in every form, shape and being of every word.

I love you all but I have to love me more. Remember that you too can take all things to God in prayer. 

Peace and Abundance to you Kings and Queens.