Change: The Rise and Fall
Change.
Formally known as growth
Best known as uncomfortable or unpleasant & what I like to call unexpected.
See me & sis have an off & on relationship .. on when it’s honestly convenient for .. Me.
Back in the day, we didn’t hang with the same crew or run in the same social circles. I was more so on the cool calm collective side. Around the likes of routine, control and comfort. She was more so with the nerdy kids .. the one’s everyone avoided. You know, surrender, future & prepare. I wasn’t with all of that work and adaptation. It didn’t fit within the flow of which I wanted to live my life.
After a few of my own situations went awry, I eventually grew out of my phase of “I know everything and you can’t tell me otherwise” & finally decided to give Change a chance.
She ended up helping me with school , work & social status; causing a transformation in the way I conducted business, carried myself and what the topics of my conversations were. She helped me transition into the new, new things that actually served me some purpose! She was helping me to evolve in ways I didn’t even think was necessary, beneficial or even possible.
Change was so real, so fresh, so nice to me that I kind of went from allowing her to be just my associate to my right hand man. She got on my nerves a few times but when I let my guard down and trusted her as best as I could, each time it ended up working out.
But then sis got too close to home.
See it's one thing when you want to alter my dress code, freshen up my energy, update my aura and rearrange my swag. You can even attempt to rehash how I show up in a room but when you start to come for who shows up in the room with me .. we have a problem.
I think sis really began to feel herself and thought she could come for my circles, conduct an analysis on the integrity of my closest friends and even place a lie detector test on my loyalty.
Things started to get real, REAL fast.
It got too personal.
How dare she call out the lack of reciprocity in my relationships. Did she really think it was okay to bring everything back up from the 99’s and the 2000’s? How dare she shine a light on the cracks and damage within the foundations of my viewpoints, attitudes & behaviors. Why did she feel like it was okay for her to rearrange my routine and alter my perspective? How dare she put a mirror to my face and show how tainted the view was. How rude of her to try and correct me on what it means to tell the truth when I’ve been hiding behind lies and discomfort with conflict for this long.
How dare she show me, me!
I asked for her help but I didn’t plan for it to be like this. See, she made this “transformation” thing seem worthwhile. That healing, growth and unexpected moves made by God were going to be amazing but this? This doesn’t feel good at all. My circles are changing. My desires are altering. I don’t feel like my usual self and I honestly don’t know what another me even looks like. I was fine the way I was, wasn’t I?
I thought she loved me. She said that she cared. She said that she wanted what was best for me but this doesn’t seem like it.
She took my safety net away. She shook my foundation, tore apart my friendships and switched up my directions. It felt like she robbed me of my routine, disfigured my reality and snatched what was common. Now what I thought I once knew, I no longer know. Who I thought I was is no longer who I see. My Championship team ain’t nothing but bench warmers, water boys, ballhoggers, red shirts & players who want to lead when they haven’t even practiced for the game. Now I’m out here looking crazy .. & for what?!
For Change?