Have you ever tried to move forward but something was pulling you back? 

Like a dog with a chain around its neck attached to a cage. You see something catching your attention ahead, and you have the ability to reach for it but it seems that once you’re almost there the chain snaps you back into reality. Or what about those moments where you drop your cell phone in the passenger seat. As you reach to get it, your seatbelt locks so that you can’t move another inch.

How bad do you want it? Now “it” can represent anything in accordance to the season that you’re in. Whether it be success, money, stability, a transition, that step up the ladder, that man you’ve been praying for, peace or even a closer relationship with God/friends/family/spouse. Once we set our mind to something, the ultimate question is what will you do to get it?

In this season of my life, I’ve been actively seeking a stronger relationship with God. Participating in prayer and bible challenges, making it a mental requirement to attend bible studies and worship nights and make sure that my surrounding environment is pushing me closer to Him and not further away. Overall, my obedience is being tested on a regular basis and a few days ago, God got personal.

It’s easy to make an external advancement (career, physical health, finances etc.) and jump into some new routines (challenges, bible studies etc.) but the real work comes when the internal autopsy is conducted (heart, spirit, mental capacity etc.) and the investigation is looking at what’s underneath (character, personality, authenticity etc.).

I was willing to go all in regarding my actions but when it was time to check my heart, my roots and my motives, I began to second guess if getting closer was really what I wanted to do.

In a recent “Prayers & Pajamas” bible challenge , the first homework was: ask God to show you, you. All I could think was,

Excuse me? Now why in the world would I do that?!

Our instructor, LadyFran, wanted us to allow God to open our eyes to the ways that we are blocking communication, blessings and ultimately the access for Him to have His way in our life. Interesting enough, God had already had me going down that road. Not only was He challenging me to look at myself on a daily basis but in that examination process, He reminded me that I was standing in the way of completely surrendering and trusting Him. How was I in the way you ask? One word.

Unforgiveness

When we see that word, we automatically attribute it to other people. What person from my past have I not forgiven? What situation have I not let go of? I was asking myself all of these questions until He told me to look in the mirror who the real victim was.

Me.

I’ve done all the work in forgiving everyone from my past to my present. I had even sought out the lessons within certain situations that had impacted my everyday life but never once did I find it important to turn that same forgiveness to myself. In my opinion, it’s easier to forgive others than to TRULY forgive yourself. You’re always encouraged to forgive others for the betterment of you but no one ever dares to say forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, lives you’ve ruined, hearts you’ve broken or the bridges you’ve burned. We can find the problems in any person quickly but cringe at all the dirt we carry in the crevices of our mind, mouth and heart.

Don’t ever think you’ve cleaned up house. Look closely. Trust me, you missed a spot. 

It all made sense for me in that moment. The reasons I replayed uncomfortable experiences, the reason I felt like I had to prove myself to people from my past, the cause of my distaste with the actions of others and the unworthy feelings I felt when I received an unexpected blessing was all a reflection of the residue that was stuck to the bottom of my heart. I knew I still had some work to do but sheesh, I didn’t think it would be because of me, let alone be this much. 

No matter how in love with God I was, no matter how excited I was to go deeper with Him, no matter how intentional I was going to be in making a better life for myself, a part of me still felt inadequate. Undeserving. Unqualified. Insufficient. Unworthy. Just simply not good enough. I felt that I still needed to prove myself to God when in reality I needed to prove my worthiness to myself.

Many times we find ourselves holding onto things that God released from His mind a long time ago. If He can forgive us, why can’t we forgive ourselves? LadyFran helped me realize that I have to allow myself to receive God’s grace.

Grace is when God gives us something we don’t deserve. There are some things we are undeserving of because of our flesh, but God’s grace gives it to us anyway. Ask the Lord to help you accept his Grace and identify your worth in Christ. - ladyfran

Life Application

On the morning of September 6th I was getting ready for work. I woke up later than usual and was on a time crunch so I thought to do what I do best: multitask. On this particular morning God had something for me. 

My plan was to cook my soup while taking a shower to save time. The soup had been simmering on low as I was in the shower so once I got out, I cranked it up a few notches and went to finish my morning routine. In the midst of brushing my teeth I hear this sound that was similar to running water. With my toothbrush in my mouth, water still running and a towel around my body, I ran to see that the soup had overflowed out of the pot, causing a mess on the entire stove. Just as I seem to have gotten everything under control, I realize the soup made an ugly, permanent looking stain on the stovetop. I tried everything that EYE knew to work until I decided to think outside the box into bigger resources (stay with me here!). I didn’t think the tool would be able to clean things up completely but when I added it to the mix, it looked better than before.

This situation didn’t make sense to me at first until I opened myself up for clarification. The Lord reminded me in that moment that I’ve been trying to clean up everything falling apart in my life MYSELF. Now there are somethings I can stop/fix/control on my own in the time of chaos or improper planning but there are other things, deeper things, bigger things that require the help of others. I’ll need help, a strong reinforcement, a teammate that has the power to do what my little elbow grease couldn’t.There were stains and residue deeply engraved that showed what the stove had been through, distorting the image. Stains that could have been stuck forever but since I made a decision to no longer have the residue distort it’s image, I included something that my heart knew would work.

My mess IS spilling out and it’s affecting the image God so wonderfully created. I can’t forgive myself, by myself. God is the ONLY one in this universe that knows the in and outs of me so He has the power to do what I can’t. No amount of self-help books or journaling alone can get me there. 

When you add God to your equations and subtract negative energies, vibes and perspectives, you allow God to do what He does best, it’ll change you from the inside out. Making you look cleaner, shinier and better than you were before. I had to get back to that place. On that day, I gave God permission to clean me up. The stuff that I’m just letting flow (water: complacency, procrastination etc.), the mess that is spilling over (soup: internal insecurities, pains, regrets etc.), the stuff stuck at the bottom (residue: brokenness, unforgiveness, bitterness, guilt/shame etc.). I gave all of it over to Him freely.

While in my reflection, I decided to ask some other queens their opinion on forgiveness and what has helped them in the process:

Q: What tools do/did you use or what steps did you take to forgive yourself? Ultimately what does true forgiveness feel or look like? 

• “What helps me is to learn to understand from different points of view and accepting pros and cons of every situation knowing it can’t be undone. True forgiveness is moving on with a new outlook/lesson from the situation. When the negative aspects of a situation is no longer the first thing that comes to mind but the lesson is, it’s complete”.

• “I’d say self-reflection with TOTAL honesty and prayer are the keys. Patience was and is a major factor. Also, honoring small milestones has been beneficial for me. True forgiveness brings a glow and internal peace”.

• “What helped me is the simple knowledge that I wasn’t created to be perfect, I was created to be loved by God and to love God therefore I extend the same grace to myself that he always gives to me. I affirm that to myself as much as I possibly can. I believe forgiveness is a choice not a feeling so first deliberately choosing not to allow past offenses or person(s) to dictate my future and then allow the wounds from it to heal”.

• “I try to reflect on what I did and how I can make better choices. True forgiveness is no longer being burdened by the pain of whatever happened”.

“You are not your past. You are not your failure. You are a testimony to God’s amazing grace! God will fight for you and will Himself strong in your life. He will heal all the pain caused by the judgement of others and He will give you a word specially tailored to reach those who are going through the same thing God delivered you from. Look yourself in the mirror and say: Goodbye old me and hello new creature in Christ Jesus! I am not my past. I am not my mistakes. I’m a daughter of God and I identify myself with His grace. His grace is in full operation in my life and I act like it. I walk like it, I talk like it, and I live like it! In Jesus name! - - daughters of the king devotionals

Be free love & believe without a shadow of a doubt that you are deserving of this.

Intentionally, purposefully, lovingly and gracefully pulling the last bits of the crumbs from my past and most recent lessons out of the bottom of my pockets and bookbag. All to make room for me to carry the gifts he’s going to bring to me in this season. 

Until next time