If you can, stop whatever it is that you’re currently doing. 

Take a moment to close your eyes, open your ears and pay attention to your surroundings. Listen to the many sounds that flow through your eardrums or if there is no sound just rest in the gift of silence. What is it that you hear? Were there any sounds or words that were unclear? How did it feel to simply do nothing but listen? 

I feel that listening is a privilege we take for granted very often. Whether we take the time to sit in silence to let God speak, to quiet our thoughts and shift our focus or simply listening to hear and understand others, being able to intentionally focus on absorbing our experience through this sense takes skill. A skill, that I believe, can’t just be described in a book or tweet but must be learned and solidified through experience.

Listening with the intent to presently hear and understand differs drastically from listening with the intent to respond, negate or argue.

Though we may think we’re being attentive to the other person’s needs, often times (depending on the situation) we are really listening to specifics that we ourselves want to hear to later use as a counter-argument or point of reference. 9/10 there is always something we miss because we are too focused on doing everything but the one thing that’s important: listening.

Though it may never be an intentional act, it is a must that we examine our ability to listen as it can drastically affect our surrounding environment. I was quickly humbled through recent experiences on just how much I DON’T listen, how much I have not heard and how my own issues/insecurities/beliefs have hindered my ability to truly be present for my loved ones.

“Listening means taking a second to consider what they’re saying, not just hearing their words” 

Personally, I’m not a big talker. I usually disclose my personal feelings to my loved ones when I want them to feel related to, if I REALLY can’t figure out how to handle something or if I’m tired of speaking to myself in the mirror. I don’t usually need people to just simply listen to me. It’s pretty much a tool in my shed that’s hidden in a box that’s dusty, covered in spider webs and in the very back.

But just because it’s not “useful” to me does not mean that everyone feels the same.

I’ve always had the desire to help, motivate and uplift those that call me in their time of need. Because I know what it feels like to go through something alone, I wanted to make sure they’re understood and their feelings acknowledged but purely listening to them never even crossed my mind. Be reminded that listening and hearing aren’t always the same.

After much research, I found that “hearing” is an involuntary process of receiving information whereas “listening” is the active process to understand exactly what you’re hearing. Hearing just happens, listening requires concentration.

My desire to help and uplift others discredited the need for me to be relatable and for them to not just be heard but listened to. Not treated as less than, not viewed as a client but acknowledged and respected as a human being.

One disagreement with my sister shifted my entire mindset on this issue. 

When we finally decided to clear the air, she simply said, “You’re great at giving advice but I just needed to be listened to. I didn’t want any feedback. Sometimes you just have to let people talk. Sometimes I’ll talk and I’ll probably just need silence then someone can say, “just breathe you got this” or “just pray and rest in God’s presence”. Other times I’ll probably need that hard core advice.”

You confuse not speaking with not listening

Our entire conversation had me shook. I felt so bad because what I thought was enough, was not what she wanted. She warned me to not give her too much advice but I felt like silence wouldn’t suffice. I’ve struggled with these moments because if I speak, it’s advice or motivation but if I’m silent that’s a problem too. I began to think, “wow. how many people have you NOT listened to?” I realize that people are always overlooked, feelings downplayed, voices not heard and emotions diminished and I feel that I may have contributed to that. Yes, I may have had good intentions but people just needed an ear and I gave a mouth.

After much reflection, one thing that I have implemented in my conversations today is to ask the other person what they need from me. What is is that they want me to do for them within this conversation so that their need and overall desirable outcome is not pushed to the side. Need me to just listen and/or provide silence? Do you want specific advice? Be clear with your intentions so that the neither party is making the situation worse. They clearly need you and want you in their corner during that moment so in the words of Kibyonce,

the best thing that someone could offer you is a few minutes of their time and a tablespoon of their undivided attention.

To an old friend of mine, I get it now. I apologize for not understanding then and grateful that I was able to officially learn the importance now. I pray that everyone in your corner is listening to your voice, being receptive to the dealings of your heart and providing for you everything you need. 

This principle of listening even applies to our relationship with our Heavenly Father. I find myself vomiting at the mouth consistently as I’m trying so hard to make sure I communicate with Him consistently. Transparency, honesty, gratitude all of that within my prayers and forgetting that silence gets the job done too. Being in His presence is enough because sometimes I may not have the right words but silence opens the door for Him to hear the honesty in my heart. It most importantly gives Him the room to speak to me because I’m not blocking His communication lines. God wants to answer your prayers, give you the wisdom and understanding you need, provide insight and clarity but He can’t do that if you’re consistently blabbing at the mouth. He always listens to you so take the time to listen to Him. 

 We have two ears and one tongue so that we would listen more and talk less. –Diogenes

When you want someone to simply listen to what you have to say, how do you want them to respond? What is it that you desire from the conversation? How can you challenge yourself to listen to those around you more? I want to hear back from you all! 

When you listen, you’re taking the time to process what is being said and creating your own understanding of it. In my opinion, when listening and building an understanding, you’re absentmindedly compromising and showing that you care about that person’s thought process and how they feel about certain things.
Some people forget that listening actually is a skill that has to be learned and practiced for it to be effective and useful. And when trying to listen to someone, keep your mouth closed because you can’t listen effectively if you’re trying to talk while the other person is talking – J. Taylor

Until next time